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Charles Dickens
Chapter 46
Charles Dickens
 
 
1       It was some time now, since I had left the Doctor. Living in his
2  neighbourhood, I saw him frequently; and we all went to his house
3  on two or three occasions to dinner or tea. The Old Soldier was in
4  permanent quarters under the Doctor's roof. She was exactly the
5  same as ever, and the same immortal butterflies hovered over her
6  cap.

7       Like some other mothers, whom I have known in the course of my
8  life, Mrs. Markleham was far more fond of pleasure than her
9  daughter was. She required a great deal of amusement, and, like a
10  deep old soldier, pretended, in consulting her own inclinations, to
11  be devoting herself to her child. The Doctor's desire that Annie
12  should be entertained, was therefore particularly acceptable to
13  this excellent parent; who expressed unqualified approval of his
14  discretion.

15       I have no doubt, indeed, that she probed the Doctor's wound without
16  knowing it. Meaning nothing but a certain matured frivolity and
17  selfishness, not always inseparable from full-blown years, I think
18  she confirmed him in his fear that he was a constraint upon his
19  young wife, and that there was no congeniality of feeling between
20  them, by so strongly commending his design of lightening the load
21  of her life.

22       'My dear soul,' she said to him one day when I was present, 'you
23  know there is no doubt it would be a little pokey for Annie to be
24  always shut up here.'

25       The Doctor nodded his benevolent head. 'When she comes to her
26  mother's age,' said Mrs. Markleham, with a flourish of her fan,
27  'then it'll be another thing. You might put ME into a Jail, with
28  genteel society and a rubber, and I should never care to come out.
29  But I am not Annie, you know; and Annie is not her mother.'

30       'Surely, surely,' said the Doctor.

31       'You are the best of creatures - no, I beg your pardon!' for the
32  Doctor made a gesture of deprecation, 'I must say before your face,
33  as I always say behind your back, you are the best of creatures;
34  but of course you don't - now do you? - enter into the same
35  pursuits and fancies as Annie?'

36       'No,' said the Doctor, in a sorrowful tone.

37       'No, of course not,' retorted the Old Soldier. 'Take your
38  Dictionary, for example. What a useful work a Dictionary is! What
39  a necessary work! The meanings of words! Without Doctor Johnson,
40  or somebody of that sort, we might have been at this present moment
41  calling an Italian-iron, a bedstead. But we can't expect a
42  Dictionary - especially when it's making - to interest Annie, can
43  we?'

44       The Doctor shook his head.

45       'And that's why I so much approve,' said Mrs. Markleham, tapping
46  him on the shoulder with her shut-up fan, 'of your thoughtfulness.
47  It shows that you don't expect, as many elderly people do expect,
48  old heads on young shoulders. You have studied Annie's character,
49  and you understand it. That's what I find so charming!'

50       Even the calm and patient face of Doctor Strong expressed some
51  little sense of pain, I thought, under the infliction of these
52  compliments.

53       'Therefore, my dear Doctor,' said the Old Soldier, giving him
54  several affectionate taps, 'you may command me, at all times and
55  seasons. Now, do understand that I am entirely at your service.
56  I am ready to go with Annie to operas, concerts, exhibitions, all
57  kinds of places; and you shall never find that I am tired. Duty,
58  my dear Doctor, before every consideration in the universe!'

59       She was as good as her word. She was one of those people who can
60  bear a great deal of pleasure, and she never flinched in her
61  perseverance in the cause. She seldom got hold of the newspaper
62  (which she settled herself down in the softest chair in the house
63  to read through an eye-glass, every day, for two hours), but she
64  found out something that she was certain Annie would like to see.
65  It was in vain for Annie to protest that she was weary of such
66  things. Her mother's remonstrance always was, 'Now, my dear Annie,
67  I am sure you know better; and I must tell you, my love, that you
68  are not making a proper return for the kindness of Doctor Strong.'

69       This was usually said in the Doctor's presence, and appeared to me
70  to constitute Annie's principal inducement for withdrawing her
71  objections when she made any. But in general she resigned herself
72  to her mother, and went where the Old Soldier would.

73       It rarely happened now that Mr. Maldon accompanied them. Sometimes
74  my aunt and Dora were invited to do so, and accepted the
75  invitation. Sometimes Dora only was asked. The time had been,
76  when I should have been uneasy in her going; but reflection on what
77  had passed that former night in the Doctor's study, had made a
78  change in my mistrust. I believed that the Doctor was right, and
79  I had no worse suspicions.

80       My aunt rubbed her nose sometimes when she happened to be alone
81  with me, and said she couldn't make it out; she wished they were
82  happier; she didn't think our military friend (so she always called
83  the Old Soldier) mended the matter at all. My aunt further
84  expressed her opinion, 'that if our military friend would cut off
85  those butterflies, and give 'em to the chimney-sweepers for
86  May-day, it would look like the beginning of something sensible on
87  her part.'

88       But her abiding reliance was on Mr. Dick. That man had evidently
89  an idea in his head, she said; and if he could only once pen it up
90  into a corner, which was his great difficulty, he would distinguish
91  himself in some extraordinary manner.

92       Unconscious of this prediction, Mr. Dick continued to occupy
93  precisely the same ground in reference to the Doctor and to Mrs.
94  Strong. He seemed neither to advance nor to recede. He appeared
95  to have settled into his original foundation, like a building; and
96  I must confess that my faith in his ever Moving, was not much
97  greater than if he had been a building.

98       But one night, when I had been married some months, Mr. Dick put
99  his head into the parlour, where I was writing alone (Dora having
100  gone out with my aunt to take tea with the two little birds), and
101  said, with a significant cough:

102       'You couldn't speak to me without inconveniencing yourself,
103  Trotwood, I am afraid?'

104       'Certainly, Mr. Dick,' said I; 'come in!'

105       'Trotwood,' said Mr. Dick, laying his finger on the side of his
106  nose, after he had shaken hands with me. 'Before I sit down, I
107  wish to make an observation. You know your aunt?'

108       'A little,' I replied.

109       'She is the most wonderful woman in the world, sir!'

110       After the delivery of this communication, which he shot out of
111  himself as if he were loaded with it, Mr. Dick sat down with
112  greater gravity than usual, and looked at me.

113       'Now, boy,' said Mr. Dick, 'I am going to put a question to you.'

114       'As many as you please,' said I.

115       'What do you consider me, sir?' asked Mr. Dick, folding his arms.

116       'A dear old friend,' said I.
117  'Thank you, Trotwood,' returned Mr. Dick, laughing, and reaching
118  across in high glee to shake hands with me. 'But I mean, boy,'
119  resuming his gravity, 'what do you consider me in this respect?'
120  touching his forehead.

121       I was puzzled how to answer, but he helped me with a word.

122       'Weak?' said Mr. Dick.

123       'Well,' I replied, dubiously. 'Rather so.'

124       'Exactly!' cried Mr. Dick, who seemed quite enchanted by my reply.
125  'That is, Trotwood, when they took some of the trouble out of
126  you-know-who's head, and put it you know where, there was a -' Mr.
127  Dick made his two hands revolve very fast about each other a great
128  number of times, and then brought them into collision, and rolled
129  them over and over one another, to express confusion. 'There was
130  that sort of thing done to me somehow. Eh?'

131       I nodded at him, and he nodded back again.

132       'In short, boy,' said Mr. Dick, dropping his voice to a whisper, 'I
133  am simple.'

134       I would have qualified that conclusion, but he stopped me.

135       'Yes, I am! She pretends I am not. She won't hear of it; but I
136  am. I know I am. If she hadn't stood my friend, sir, I should
137  have been shut up, to lead a dismal life these many years. But
138  I'll provide for her! I never spend the copying money. I put it
139  in a box. I have made a will. I'll leave it all to her. She
140  shall be rich - noble!'

141       Mr. Dick took out his pocket-handkerchief, and wiped his eyes. He
142  then folded it up with great care, pressed it smooth between his
143  two hands, put it in his pocket, and seemed to put my aunt away
144  with it.

145       'Now you are a scholar, Trotwood,' said Mr. Dick. 'You are a fine
146  scholar. You know what a learned man, what a great man, the Doctor
147  is. You know what honour he has always done me. Not proud in his
148  wisdom. Humble, humble - condescending even to poor Dick, who is
149  simple and knows nothing. I have sent his name up, on a scrap of
150  paper, to the kite, along the string, when it has been in the sky,
151  among the larks. The kite has been glad to receive it, sir, and
152  the sky has been brighter with it.'

153       I delighted him by saying, most heartily, that the Doctor was
154  deserving of our best respect and highest esteem.

155       'And his beautiful wife is a star,' said Mr. Dick. 'A shining
156  star. I have seen her shine, sir. But,' bringing his chair
157  nearer, and laying one hand upon my knee - 'clouds, sir - clouds.'

158       I answered the solicitude which his face expressed, by conveying
159  the same expression into my own, and shaking my head.

160       'What clouds?' said Mr. Dick.

161       He looked so wistfully into my face, and was so anxious to
162  understand, that I took great pains to answer him slowly and
163  distinctly, as I might have entered on an explanation to a child.

164       'There is some unfortunate division between them,' I replied.
165  'Some unhappy cause of separation. A secret. It may be
166  inseparable from the discrepancy in their years. It may have grown
167  up out of almost nothing.'

168       Mr. Dick, who had told off every sentence with a thoughtful nod,
169  paused when I had done, and sat considering, with his eyes upon my
170  face, and his hand upon my knee.

171       'Doctor not angry with her, Trotwood?' he said, after some time.

172       'No. Devoted to her.'

173       'Then, I have got it, boy!' said Mr. Dick.

174       The sudden exultation with which he slapped me on the knee, and
175  leaned back in his chair, with his eyebrows lifted up as high as he
176  could possibly lift them, made me think him farther out of his wits
177  than ever. He became as suddenly grave again, and leaning forward
178  as before, said - first respectfully taking out his
179  pocket-handkerchief, as if it really did represent my aunt:

180       'Most wonderful woman in the world, Trotwood. Why has she done
181  nothing to set things right?'

182       'Too delicate and difficult a subject for such interference,' I
183  replied.

184       'Fine scholar,' said Mr. Dick, touching me with his finger. 'Why
185  has HE done nothing?'

186       'For the same reason,' I returned.

187       'Then, I have got it, boy!' said Mr. Dick. And he stood up before
188  me, more exultingly than before, nodding his head, and striking
189  himself repeatedly upon the breast, until one might have supposed
190  that he had nearly nodded and struck all the breath out of his
191  body.

192       'A poor fellow with a craze, sir,' said Mr. Dick, 'a simpleton, a
193  weak-minded person - present company, you know!' striking himself
194  again, 'may do what wonderful people may not do. I'll bring them
195  together, boy. I'll try. They'll not blame me. They'll not
196  object to me. They'll not mind what I do, if it's wrong. I'm only
197  Mr. Dick. And who minds Dick? Dick's nobody! Whoo!' He blew a
198  slight, contemptuous breath, as if he blew himself away.

199       It was fortunate he had proceeded so far with his mystery, for we
200  heard the coach stop at the little garden gate, which brought my
201  aunt and Dora home.

202       'Not a word, boy!' he pursued in a whisper; 'leave all the blame
203  with Dick - simple Dick - mad Dick. I have been thinking, sir, for
204  some time, that I was getting it, and now I have got it. After
205  what you have said to me, I am sure I have got it. All right!' Not
206  another word did Mr. Dick utter on the subject; but he made a very
207  telegraph of himself for the next half-hour (to the great
208  disturbance of my aunt's mind), to enjoin inviolable secrecy on me.

209       To my surprise, I heard no more about it for some two or three
210  weeks, though I was sufficiently interested in the result of his
211  endeavours; descrying a strange gleam of good sense - I say nothing
212  of good feeling, for that he always exhibited - in the conclusion
213  to which he had come. At last I began to believe, that, in the
214  flighty and unsettled state of his mind, he had either forgotten
215  his intention or abandoned it.

216       One fair evening, when Dora was not inclined to go out, my aunt and
217  I strolled up to the Doctor's cottage. It was autumn, when there
218  were no debates to vex the evening air; and I remember how the
219  leaves smelt like our garden at Blunderstone as we trod them under
220  foot, and how the old, unhappy feeling, seemed to go by, on the
221  sighing wind.

222       It was twilight when we reached the cottage. Mrs. Strong was just
223  coming out of the garden, where Mr. Dick yet lingered, busy with
224  his knife, helping the gardener to point some stakes. The Doctor
225  was engaged with someone in his study; but the visitor would be
226  gone directly, Mrs. Strong said, and begged us to remain and see
227  him. We went into the drawing-room with her, and sat down by the
228  darkening window. There was never any ceremony about the visits of
229  such old friends and neighbours as we were.

230       We had not sat here many minutes, when Mrs. Markleham, who usually
231  contrived to be in a fuss about something, came bustling in, with
232  her newspaper in her hand, and said, out of breath, 'My goodness
233  gracious, Annie, why didn't you tell me there was someone in the
234  Study!'

235       'My dear mama,' she quietly returned, 'how could I know that you
236  desired the information?'

237       'Desired the information!' said Mrs. Markleham, sinking on the
238  sofa. 'I never had such a turn in all my life!'

239       'Have you been to the Study, then, mama?' asked Annie.

240       'BEEN to the Study, my dear!' she returned emphatically. 'Indeed
241  I have! I came upon the amiable creature - if you'll imagine my
242  feelings, Miss Trotwood and David - in the act of making his will.'

243       Her daughter looked round from the window quickly.

244       'In the act, my dear Annie,' repeated Mrs. Markleham, spreading the
245  newspaper on her lap like a table-cloth, and patting her hands upon
246  it, 'of making his last Will and Testament. The foresight and
247  affection of the dear! I must tell you how it was. I really must,
248  in justice to the darling - for he is nothing less! - tell you how
249  it was. Perhaps you know, Miss Trotwood, that there is never a
250  candle lighted in this house, until one's eyes are literally
251  falling out of one's head with being stretched to read the paper.
252  And that there is not a chair in this house, in which a paper can
253  be what I call, read, except one in the Study. This took me to the
254  Study, where I saw a light. I opened the door. In company with
255  the dear Doctor were two professional people, evidently connected
256  with the law, and they were all three standing at the table: the
257  darling Doctor pen in hand. "This simply expresses then," said the
258  Doctor - Annie, my love, attend to the very words - "this simply
259  expresses then, gentlemen, the confidence I have in Mrs. Strong,
260  and gives her all unconditionally?" One of the professional people
261  replied, "And gives her all unconditionally." Upon that, with the
262  natural feelings of a mother, I said, "Good God, I beg your
263  pardon!" fell over the door-step, and came away through the little
264  back passage where the pantry is.'

265       Mrs. Strong opened the window, and went out into the verandah,
266  where she stood leaning against a pillar.

267       'But now isn't it, Miss Trotwood, isn't it, David, invigorating,'
268  said Mrs. Markleham, mechanically following her with her eyes, 'to
269  find a man at Doctor Strong's time of life, with the strength of
270  mind to do this kind of thing? It only shows how right I was. I
271  said to Annie, when Doctor Strong paid a very flattering visit to
272  myself, and made her the subject of a declaration and an offer, I
273  said, "My dear, there is no doubt whatever, in my opinion, with
274  reference to a suitable provision for you, that Doctor Strong will
275  do more than he binds himself to do."'

276       Here the bell rang, and we heard the sound of the visitors' feet as
277  they went out.

278       'It's all over, no doubt,' said the Old Soldier, after listening;
279  'the dear creature has signed, sealed, and delivered, and his
280  mind's at rest. Well it may be! What a mind! Annie, my love, I
281  am going to the Study with my paper, for I am a poor creature
282  without news. Miss Trotwood, David, pray come and see the Doctor.'

283       I was conscious of Mr. Dick's standing in the shadow of the room,
284  shutting up his knife, when we accompanied her to the Study; and of
285  my aunt's rubbing her nose violently, by the way, as a mild vent
286  for her intolerance of our military friend; but who got first into
287  the Study, or how Mrs. Markleham settled herself in a moment in her
288  easy-chair, or how my aunt and I came to be left together near the
289  door (unless her eyes were quicker than mine, and she held me
290  back), I have forgotten, if I ever knew. But this I know, - that
291  we saw the Doctor before he saw us, sitting at his table, among the
292  folio volumes in which he delighted, resting his head calmly on his
293  hand. That, in the same moment, we saw Mrs. Strong glide in, pale
294  and trembling. That Mr. Dick supported her on his arm. That he
295  laid his other hand upon the Doctor's arm, causing him to look up
296  with an abstracted air. That, as the Doctor moved his head, his
297  wife dropped down on one knee at his feet, and, with her hands
298  imploringly lifted, fixed upon his face the memorable look I had
299  never forgotten. That at this sight Mrs. Markleham dropped the
300  newspaper, and stared more like a figure-head intended for a ship
301  to be called The Astonishment, than anything else I can think of.

302       The gentleness of the Doctor's manner and surprise, the dignity
303  that mingled with the supplicating attitude of his wife, the
304  amiable concern of Mr. Dick, and the earnestness with which my aunt
305  said to herself, 'That man mad!' (triumphantly expressive of the
306  misery from which she had saved him) - I see and hear, rather than
307  remember, as I write about it.

308       'Doctor!' said Mr. Dick. 'What is it that's amiss? Look here!'

309       'Annie!' cried the Doctor. 'Not at my feet, my dear!'

310       'Yes!' she said. 'I beg and pray that no one will leave the room!
311  Oh, my husband and father, break this long silence. Let us both
312  know what it is that has come between us!'

313       Mrs. Markleham, by this time recovering the power of speech, and
314  seeming to swell with family pride and motherly indignation, here
315  exclaimed, 'Annie, get up immediately, and don't disgrace everybody
316  belonging to you by humbling yourself like that, unless you wish to
317  see me go out of my mind on the spot!'

318       'Mama!' returned Annie. 'Waste no words on me, for my appeal is to
319  my husband, and even you are nothing here.'

320       'Nothing!' exclaimed Mrs. Markleham. 'Me, nothing! The child has
321  taken leave of her senses. Please to get me a glass of water!'

322       I was too attentive to the Doctor and his wife, to give any heed to
323  this request; and it made no impression on anybody else; so Mrs.
324  Markleham panted, stared, and fanned herself.

325       'Annie!' said the Doctor, tenderly taking her in his hands. 'My
326  dear! If any unavoidable change has come, in the sequence of time,
327  upon our married life, you are not to blame. The fault is mine,
328  and only mine. There is no change in my affection, admiration, and
329  respect. I wish to make you happy. I truly love and honour you.
330  Rise, Annie, pray!'

331       But she did not rise. After looking at him for a little while, she
332  sank down closer to him, laid her arm across his knee, and dropping
333  her head upon it, said:

334       'If I have any friend here, who can speak one word for me, or for
335  my husband in this matter; if I have any friend here, who can give
336  a voice to any suspicion that my heart has sometimes whispered to
337  me; if I have any friend here, who honours my husband, or has ever
338  cared for me, and has anything within his knowledge, no matter what
339  it is, that may help to mediate between us, I implore that friend
340  to speak!'

341       There was a profound silence. After a few moments of painful
342  hesitation, I broke the silence.

343       'Mrs. Strong,' I said, 'there is something within my knowledge,
344  which I have been earnestly entreated by Doctor Strong to conceal,
345  and have concealed until tonight. But, I believe the time has come
346  when it would be mistaken faith and delicacy to conceal it any
347  longer, and when your appeal absolves me from his injunction.'

348       She turned her face towards me for a moment, and I knew that I was
349  right. I could not have resisted its entreaty, if the assurance
350  that it gave me had been less convincing.

351       'Our future peace,' she said, 'may be in your hands. I trust it
352  confidently to your not suppressing anything. I know beforehand
353  that nothing you, or anyone, can tell me, will show my husband's
354  noble heart in any other light than one. Howsoever it may seem to
355  you to touch me, disregard that. I will speak for myself, before
356  him, and before God afterwards.'

357       Thus earnestly besought, I made no reference to the Doctor for his
358  permission, but, without any other compromise of the truth than a
359  little softening of the coarseness of Uriah Heep, related plainly
360  what had passed in that same room that night. The staring of Mrs.
361  Markleham during the whole narration, and the shrill, sharp
362  interjections with which she occasionally interrupted it, defy
363  description.

364       When I had finished, Annie remained, for some few moments, silent,
365  with her head bent down, as I have described. Then, she took the
366  Doctor's hand (he was sitting in the same attitude as when we had
367  entered the room), and pressed it to her breast, and kissed it.
368  Mr. Dick softly raised her; and she stood, when she began to speak,
369  leaning on him, and looking down upon her husband - from whom she
370  never turned her eyes.

371       'All that has ever been in my mind, since I was married,' she said
372  in a low, submissive, tender voice, 'I will lay bare before you.
373  I could not live and have one reservation, knowing what I know
374  now.'

375       'Nay, Annie,' said the Doctor, mildly, 'I have never doubted you,
376  my child. There is no need; indeed there is no need, my dear.'

377       'There is great need,' she answered, in the same way, 'that I
378  should open my whole heart before the soul of generosity and truth,
379  whom, year by year, and day by day, I have loved and venerated more
380  and more, as Heaven knows!'

381       'Really,' interrupted Mrs. Markleham, 'if I have any discretion at
382  all -'

383       ('Which you haven't, you Marplot,' observed my aunt, in an
384  indignant whisper.)

385       - 'I must be permitted to observe that it cannot be requisite to
386  enter into these details.'

387       'No one but my husband can judge of that, mama,' said Annie without
388  removing her eyes from his face, 'and he will hear me. If I say
389  anything to give you pain, mama, forgive me. I have borne pain
390  first, often and long, myself.'

391       'Upon my word!' gasped Mrs. Markleham.

392       'When I was very young,' said Annie, 'quite a little child, my
393  first associations with knowledge of any kind were inseparable from
394  a patient friend and teacher - the friend of my dead father - who
395  was always dear to me. I can remember nothing that I know, without
396  remembering him. He stored my mind with its first treasures, and
397  stamped his character upon them all. They never could have been,
398  I think, as good as they have been to me, if I had taken them from
399  any other hands.'

400       'Makes her mother nothing!' exclaimed Mrs. Markleham.

401       'Not so mama,' said Annie; 'but I make him what he was. I must do
402  that. As I grew up, he occupied the same place still. I was proud
403  of his interest: deeply, fondly, gratefully attached to him. I
404  looked up to him, I can hardly describe how - as a father, as a
405  guide, as one whose praise was different from all other praise, as
406  one in whom I could have trusted and confided, if I had doubted all
407  the world. You know, mama, how young and inexperienced I was, when
408  you presented him before me, of a sudden, as a lover.'

409       'I have mentioned the fact, fifty times at least, to everybody
410  here!' said Mrs. Markleham.

411       ('Then hold your tongue, for the Lord's sake, and don't mention it
412  any more!' muttered my aunt.)

413       'It was so great a change: so great a loss, I felt it, at first,'
414  said Annie, still preserving the same look and tone, 'that I was
415  agitated and distressed. I was but a girl; and when so great a
416  change came in the character in which I had so long looked up to
417  him, I think I was sorry. But nothing could have made him what he
418  used to be again; and I was proud that he should think me so
419  worthy, and we were married.'
420  '- At Saint Alphage, Canterbury,' observed Mrs. Markleham.

421       ('Confound the woman!' said my aunt, 'she WON'T be quiet!')

422       'I never thought,' proceeded Annie, with a heightened colour, 'of
423  any worldly gain that my husband would bring to me. My young heart
424  had no room in its homage for any such poor reference. Mama,
425  forgive me when I say that it was you who first presented to my
426  mind the thought that anyone could wrong me, and wrong him, by such
427  a cruel suspicion.'

428       'Me!' cried Mrs. Markleham.

429       ('Ah! You, to be sure!' observed my aunt, 'and you can't fan it
430  away, my military friend!')

431       'It was the first unhappiness of my new life,' said Annie. 'It was
432  the first occasion of every unhappy moment I have known. These
433  moments have been more, of late, than I can count; but not - my
434  generous husband! - not for the reason you suppose; for in my heart
435  there is not a thought, a recollection, or a hope, that any power
436  could separate from you!'

437       She raised her eyes, and clasped her hands, and looked as beautiful
438  and true, I thought, as any Spirit. The Doctor looked on her,
439  henceforth, as steadfastly as she on him.

440       'Mama is blameless,' she went on, 'of having ever urged you for
441  herself, and she is blameless in intention every way, I am sure, -
442  but when I saw how many importunate claims were pressed upon you in
443  my name; how you were traded on in my name; how generous you were,
444  and how Mr. Wickfield, who had your welfare very much at heart,
445  resented it; the first sense of my exposure to the mean suspicion
446  that my tenderness was bought - and sold to you, of all men on
447  earth - fell upon me like unmerited disgrace, in which I forced you
448  to participate. I cannot tell you what it was - mama cannot
449  imagine what it was - to have this dread and trouble always on my
450  mind, yet know in my own soul that on my marriage-day I crowned the
451  love and honour of my life!'

452       'A specimen of the thanks one gets,' cried Mrs. Markleham, in
453  tears, 'for taking care of one's family! I wish I was a Turk!'

454       ('I wish you were, with all my heart - and in your native country!'
455  said my aunt.)

456       'It was at that time that mama was most solicitous about my Cousin
457  Maldon. I had liked him': she spoke softly, but without any
458  hesitation: 'very much. We had been little lovers once. If
459  circumstances had not happened otherwise, I might have come to
460  persuade myself that I really loved him, and might have married
461  him, and been most wretched. There can be no disparity in marriage
462  like unsuitability of mind and purpose.'

463       I pondered on those words, even while I was studiously attending to
464  what followed, as if they had some particular interest, or some
465  strange application that I could not divine. 'There can be no
466  disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose' -'no
467  disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose.'

468       'There is nothing,' said Annie, 'that we have in common. I have
469  long found that there is nothing. If I were thankful to my husband
470  for no more, instead of for so much, I should be thankful to him
471  for having saved me from the first mistaken impulse of my
472  undisciplined heart.'

473       She stood quite still, before the Doctor, and spoke with an
474  earnestness that thrilled me. Yet her voice was just as quiet as
475  before.

476       'When he was waiting to be the object of your munificence, so
477  freely bestowed for my sake, and when I was unhappy in the
478  mercenary shape I was made to wear, I thought it would have become
479  him better to have worked his own way on. I thought that if I had
480  been he, I would have tried to do it, at the cost of almost any
481  hardship. But I thought no worse of him, until the night of his
482  departure for India. That night I knew he had a false and
483  thankless heart. I saw a double meaning, then, in Mr. Wickfield's
484  scrutiny of me. I perceived, for the first time, the dark
485  suspicion that shadowed my life.'

486       'Suspicion, Annie!' said the Doctor. 'No, no, no!'

487       'In your mind there was none, I know, my husband!' she returned.
488  'And when I came to you, that night, to lay down all my load of
489  shame and grief, and knew that I had to tell that, underneath your
490  roof, one of my own kindred, to whom you had been a benefactor, for
491  the love of me, had spoken to me words that should have found no
492  utterance, even if I had been the weak and mercenary wretch he
493  thought me - my mind revolted from the taint the very tale
494  conveyed. It died upon my lips, and from that hour till now has
495  never passed them.'

496       Mrs. Markleham, with a short groan, leaned back in her easy-chair;
497  and retired behind her fan, as if she were never coming out any
498  more.

499       'I have never, but in your presence, interchanged a word with him
500  from that time; then, only when it has been necessary for the
501  avoidance of this explanation. Years have passed since he knew,
502  from me, what his situation here was. The kindnesses you have
503  secretly done for his advancement, and then disclosed to me, for my
504  surprise and pleasure, have been, you will believe, but
505  aggravations of the unhappiness and burden of my secret.'

506       She sunk down gently at the Doctor's feet, though he did his utmost
507  to prevent her; and said, looking up, tearfully, into his face:

508       'Do not speak to me yet! Let me say a little more! Right or
509  wrong, if this were to be done again, I think I should do just the
510  same. You never can know what it was to be devoted to you, with
511  those old associations; to find that anyone could be so hard as to
512  suppose that the truth of my heart was bartered away, and to be
513  surrounded by appearances confirming that belief. I was very
514  young, and had no adviser. Between mama and me, in all relating to
515  you, there was a wide division. If I shrunk into myself, hiding
516  the disrespect I had undergone, it was because I honoured you so
517  much, and so much wished that you should honour me!'

518       'Annie, my pure heart!' said the Doctor, 'my dear girl!'

519       'A little more! a very few words more! I used to think there were
520  so many whom you might have married, who would not have brought
521  such charge and trouble on you, and who would have made your home
522  a worthier home. I used to be afraid that I had better have
523  remained your pupil, and almost your child. I used to fear that I
524  was so unsuited to your learning and wisdom. If all this made me
525  shrink within myself (as indeed it did), when I had that to tell,
526  it was still because I honoured you so much, and hoped that you
527  might one day honour me.'

528       'That day has shone this long time, Annie,' said the Doctor, and
529  can have but one long night, my dear.'

530       'Another word! I afterwards meant - steadfastly meant, and
531  purposed to myself - to bear the whole weight of knowing the
532  unworthiness of one to whom you had been so good. And now a last
533  word, dearest and best of friends! The cause of the late change in
534  you, which I have seen with so much pain and sorrow, and have
535  sometimes referred to my old apprehension - at other times to
536  lingering suppositions nearer to the truth - has been made clear
537  tonight; and by an accident I have also come to know, tonight, the
538  full measure of your noble trust in me, even under that mistake.
539  I do not hope that any love and duty I may render in return, will
540  ever make me worthy of your priceless confidence; but with all this
541  knowledge fresh upon me, I can lift my eyes to this dear face,
542  revered as a father's, loved as a husband's, sacred to me in my
543  childhood as a friend's, and solemnly declare that in my lightest
544  thought I have never wronged you; never wavered in the love and the
545  fidelity I owe you!'

546       She had her arms around the Doctor's neck, and he leant his head
547  down over her, mingling his grey hair with her dark brown tresses.

548       'Oh, hold me to your heart, my husband! Never cast me out! Do not
549  think or speak of disparity between us, for there is none, except
550  in all my many imperfections. Every succeeding year I have known
551  this better, as I have esteemed you more and more. Oh, take me to
552  your heart, my husband, for my love was founded on a rock, and it
553  endures!'

554       In the silence that ensued, my aunt walked gravely up to Mr. Dick,
555  without at all hurrying herself, and gave him a hug and a sounding
556  kiss. And it was very fortunate, with a view to his credit, that
557  she did so; for I am confident that I detected him at that moment
558  in the act of making preparations to stand on one leg, as an
559  appropriate expression of delight.

560       'You are a very remarkable man, Dick!' said my aunt, with an air of
561  unqualified approbation; 'and never pretend to be anything else,
562  for I know better!'

563       With that, my aunt pulled him by the sleeve, and nodded to me; and
564  we three stole quietly out of the room, and came away.

565       'That's a settler for our military friend, at any rate,' said my
566  aunt, on the way home. 'I should sleep the better for that, if
567  there was nothing else to be glad of!'

568       'She was quite overcome, I am afraid,' said Mr. Dick, with great
569  commiseration.

570       'What! Did you ever see a crocodile overcome?' inquired my aunt.

571       'I don't think I ever saw a crocodile,' returned Mr. Dick, mildly.

572       'There never would have been anything the matter, if it hadn't been
573  for that old Animal,' said my aunt, with strong emphasis. 'It's
574  very much to be wished that some mothers would leave their
575  daughters alone after marriage, and not be so violently
576  affectionate. They seem to think the only return that can be made
577  them for bringing an unfortunate young woman into the world - God
578  bless my soul, as if she asked to be brought, or wanted to come! -
579  is full liberty to worry her out of it again. What are you
580  thinking of, Trot?'

581       I was thinking of all that had been said. My mind was still
582  running on some of the expressions used. 'There can be no
583  disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose.'
584  'The first mistaken impulse of an undisciplined heart.' 'My love
585  was founded on a rock.' But we were at home; and the trodden
586  leaves were lying under-foot, and the autumn wind was blowing.

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