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Charles Dickens
Chapter 24
Charles Dickens
 
 
1       It was a wonderfully fine thing to have that lofty castle to
2  myself, and to feel, when I shut my outer door, like Robinson
3  Crusoe, when he had got into his fortification, and pulled his
4  ladder up after him. It was a wonderfully fine thing to walk about
5  town with the key of my house in my pocket, and to know that I
6  could ask any fellow to come home, and make quite sure of its being
7  inconvenient to nobody, if it were not so to me. It was a
8  wonderfully fine thing to let myself in and out, and to come and go
9  without a word to anyone, and to ring Mrs. Crupp up, gasping, from
10  the depths of the earth, when I wanted her - and when she was
11  disposed to come. All this, I say, was wonderfully fine; but I
12  must say, too, that there were times when it was very dreary.

13       It was fine in the morning, particularly in the fine mornings. It
14  looked a very fresh, free life, by daylight: still fresher, and
15  more free, by sunlight. But as the day declined, the life seemed
16  to go down too. I don't know how it was; it seldom looked well by
17  candle-light. I wanted somebody to talk to, then. I missed Agnes.
18  I found a tremendous blank, in the place of that smiling repository
19  of my confidence. Mrs. Crupp appeared to be a long way off. I
20  thought about my predecessor, who had died of drink and smoke; and
21  I could have wished he had been so good as to live, and not bother
22  me with his decease.

23       After two days and nights, I felt as if I had lived there for a
24  year, and yet I was not an hour older, but was quite as much
25  tormented by my own youthfulness as ever.

26       Steerforth not yet appearing, which induced me to apprehend that he
27  must be ill, I left the Commons early on the third day, and walked
28  out to Highgate. Mrs. Steerforth was very glad to see me, and said
29  that he had gone away with one of his Oxford friends to see another
30  who lived near St. Albans, but that she expected him to return
31  tomorrow. I was so fond of him, that I felt quite jealous of his
32  Oxford friends.

33       As she pressed me to stay to dinner, I remained, and I believe we
34  talked about nothing but him all day. I told her how much the
35  people liked him at Yarmouth, and what a delightful companion he
36  had been. Miss Dartle was full of hints and mysterious questions,
37  but took a great interest in all our proceedings there, and said,
38  'Was it really though?' and so forth, so often, that she got
39  everything out of me she wanted to know. Her appearance was
40  exactly what I have described it, when I first saw her; but the
41  society of the two ladies was so agreeable, and came so natural to
42  me, that I felt myself falling a little in love with her. I could
43  not help thinking, several times in the course of the evening, and
44  particularly when I walked home at night, what delightful company
45  she would be in Buckingham Street.

46       I was taking my coffee and roll in the morning, before going to the
47  Commons - and I may observe in this place that it is surprising how
48  much coffee Mrs. Crupp used, and how weak it was, considering -
49  when Steerforth himself walked in, to my unbounded joy.

50       'My dear Steerforth,' cried I, 'I began to think I should never see
51  you again!'

52       'I was carried off, by force of arms,' said Steerforth, 'the very
53  next morning after I got home. Why, Daisy, what a rare old
54  bachelor you are here!'

55       I showed him over the establishment, not omitting the pantry, with
56  no little pride, and he commended it highly. 'I tell you what, old
57  boy,' he added, 'I shall make quite a town-house of this place,
58  unless you give me notice to quit.'

59       This was a delightful hearing. I told him if he waited for that,
60  he would have to wait till doomsday.

61       'But you shall have some breakfast!' said I, with my hand on the
62  bell-rope, 'and Mrs. Crupp shall make you some fresh coffee, and
63  I'll toast you some bacon in a bachelor's Dutch-oven, that I have
64  got here.'

65       'No, no!' said Steerforth. 'Don't ring! I can't! I am going to
66  breakfast with one of these fellows who is at the Piazza Hotel, in
67  Covent Garden.'

68       'But you'll come back to dinner?' said I.

69       'I can't, upon my life. There's nothing I should like better, but
70  I must remain with these two fellows. We are all three off
71  together tomorrow morning.'

72       'Then bring them here to dinner,' I returned. 'Do you think they
73  would come?'

74       'Oh! they would come fast enough,' said Steerforth; 'but we should
75  inconvenience you. You had better come and dine with us
76  somewhere.'

77       I would not by any means consent to this, for it occurred to me
78  that I really ought to have a little house-warming, and that there
79  never could be a better opportunity. I had a new pride in my rooms
80  after his approval of them, and burned with a desire to develop
81  their utmost resources. I therefore made him promise positively in
82  the names of his two friends, and we appointed six o'clock as the
83  dinner-hour.

84       When he was gone, I rang for Mrs. Crupp, and acquainted her with my
85  desperate design. Mrs. Crupp said, in the first place, of course
86  it was well known she couldn't be expected to wait, but she knew a
87  handy young man, who she thought could be prevailed upon to do it,
88  and whose terms would be five shillings, and what I pleased. I
89  said, certainly we would have him. Next Mrs. Crupp said it was
90  clear she couldn't be in two places at once (which I felt to be
91  reasonable), and that 'a young gal' stationed in the pantry with a
92  bedroom candle, there never to desist from washing plates, would be
93  indispensable. I said, what would be the expense of this young
94  female? and Mrs. Crupp said she supposed eighteenpence would
95  neither make me nor break me. I said I supposed not; and THAT was
96  settled. Then Mrs. Crupp said, Now about the dinner.

97       It was a remarkable instance of want of forethought on the part of
98  the ironmonger who had made Mrs. Crupp's kitchen fireplace, that it
99  was capable of cooking nothing but chops and mashed potatoes. As
100  to a fish-kittle, Mrs. Crupp said, well! would I only come and look
101  at the range? She couldn't say fairer than that. Would I come and
102  look at it? As I should not have been much the wiser if I HAD
103  looked at it, I declined, and said, 'Never mind fish.' But Mrs.
104  Crupp said, Don't say that; oysters was in, why not them? So THAT
105  was settled. Mrs. Crupp then said what she would recommend would
106  be this. A pair of hot roast fowls - from the pastry-cook's; a
107  dish of stewed beef, with vegetables - from the pastry-cook's; two
108  little corner things, as a raised pie and a dish of kidneys - from
109  the pastrycook's; a tart, and (if I liked) a shape of jelly - from
110  the pastrycook's. This, Mrs. Crupp said, would leave her at full
111  liberty to concentrate her mind on the potatoes, and to serve up
112  the cheese and celery as she could wish to see it done.

113       I acted on Mrs. Crupp's opinion, and gave the order at the
114  pastry-cook's myself. Walking along the Strand, afterwards, and
115  observing a hard mottled substance in the window of a ham and beef
116  shop, which resembled marble, but was labelled 'Mock Turtle', I
117  went in and bought a slab of it, which I have since seen reason to
118  believe would have sufficed for fifteen people. This preparation,
119  Mrs. Crupp, after some difficulty, consented to warm up; and it
120  shrunk so much in a liquid state, that we found it what Steerforth
121  called 'rather a tight fit' for four.

122       These preparations happily completed, I bought a little dessert in
123  Covent Garden Market, and gave a rather extensive order at a retail
124  wine-merchant's in that vicinity. When I came home in the
125  afternoon, and saw the bottles drawn up in a square on the pantry
126  floor, they looked so numerous (though there were two missing,
127  which made Mrs. Crupp very uncomfortable), that I was absolutely
128  frightened at them.

129       One of Steerforth's friends was named Grainger, and the other
130  Markham. They were both very gay and lively fellows; Grainger,
131  something older than Steerforth; Markham, youthful-looking, and I
132  should say not more than twenty. I observed that the latter always
133  spoke of himself indefinitely, as 'a man', and seldom or never in
134  the first person singular.

135       'A man might get on very well here, Mr. Copperfield,' said Markham
136  - meaning himself.

137       'It's not a bad situation,' said I, 'and the rooms are really
138  commodious.'

139       'I hope you have both brought appetites with you?' said Steerforth.

140       'Upon my honour,' returned Markham, 'town seems to sharpen a man's
141  appetite. A man is hungry all day long. A man is perpetually
142  eating.'

143       Being a little embarrassed at first, and feeling much too young to
144  preside, I made Steerforth take the head of the table when dinner
145  was announced, and seated myself opposite to him. Everything was
146  very good; we did not spare the wine; and he exerted himself so
147  brilliantly to make the thing pass off well, that there was no
148  pause in our festivity. I was not quite such good company during
149  dinner as I could have wished to be, for my chair was opposite the
150  door, and my attention was distracted by observing that the handy
151  young man went out of the room very often, and that his shadow
152  always presented itself, immediately afterwards, on the wall of the
153  entry, with a bottle at its mouth. The 'young gal' likewise
154  occasioned me some uneasiness: not so much by neglecting to wash
155  the plates, as by breaking them. For being of an inquisitive
156  disposition, and unable to confine herself (as her positive
157  instructions were) to the pantry, she was constantly peering in at
158  us, and constantly imagining herself detected; in which belief, she
159  several times retired upon the plates (with which she had carefully
160  paved the floor), and did a great deal of destruction.

161       These, however, were small drawbacks, and easily forgotten when the
162  cloth was cleared, and the dessert put on the table; at which
163  period of the entertainment the handy young man was discovered to
164  be speechless. Giving him private directions to seek the society
165  of Mrs. Crupp, and to remove the 'young gal' to the basement also,
166  I abandoned myself to enjoyment.

167       I began, by being singularly cheerful and light-hearted; all sorts
168  of half-forgotten things to talk about, came rushing into my mind,
169  and made me hold forth in a most unwonted manner. I laughed
170  heartily at my own jokes, and everybody else's; called Steerforth
171  to order for not passing the wine; made several engagements to go
172  to Oxford; announced that I meant to have a dinner-party exactly
173  like that, once a week, until further notice; and madly took so
174  much snuff out of Grainger's box, that I was obliged to go into the
175  pantry, and have a private fit of sneezing ten minutes long.

176       I went on, by passing the wine faster and faster yet, and
177  continually starting up with a corkscrew to open more wine, long
178  before any was needed. I proposed Steerforth's health. I said he
179  was my dearest friend, the protector of my boyhood, and the
180  companion of my prime. I said I was delighted to propose his
181  health. I said I owed him more obligations than I could ever
182  repay, and held him in a higher admiration than I could ever
183  express. I finished by saying, 'I'll give you Steerforth! God
184  bless him! Hurrah!' We gave him three times three, and another,
185  and a good one to finish with. I broke my glass in going round the
186  table to shake hands with him, and I said (in two words)
187  'Steerforth - you'retheguidingstarofmyexistence.'

188       I went on, by finding suddenly that somebody was in the middle of
189  a song. Markham was the singer, and he sang 'When the heart of a
190  man is depressed with care'. He said, when he had sung it, he
191  would give us 'Woman!' I took objection to that, and I couldn't
192  allow it. I said it was not a respectful way of proposing the
193  toast, and I would never permit that toast to be drunk in my house
194  otherwise than as 'The Ladies!' I was very high with him, mainly I
195  think because I saw Steerforth and Grainger laughing at me - or at
196  him - or at both of us. He said a man was not to be dictated to.
197  I said a man was. He said a man was not to be insulted, then. I
198  said he was right there - never under my roof, where the Lares were
199  sacred, and the laws of hospitality paramount. He said it was no
200  derogation from a man's dignity to confess that I was a devilish
201  good fellow. I instantly proposed his health.

202       Somebody was smoking. We were all smoking. I was smoking, and
203  trying to suppress a rising tendency to shudder. Steerforth had
204  made a speech about me, in the course of which I had been affected
205  almost to tears. I returned thanks, and hoped the present company
206  would dine with me tomorrow, and the day after - each day at five
207  o'clock, that we might enjoy the pleasures of conversation and
208  society through a long evening. I felt called upon to propose an
209  individual. I would give them my aunt. Miss Betsey Trotwood, the
210  best of her sex!

211       Somebody was leaning out of my bedroom window, refreshing his
212  forehead against the cool stone of the parapet, and feeling the air
213  upon his face. It was myself. I was addressing myself as
214  'Copperfield', and saying, 'Why did you try to smoke? You might
215  have known you couldn't do it.' Now, somebody was unsteadily
216  contemplating his features in the looking-glass. That was I too.
217  I was very pale in the looking-glass; my eyes had a vacant
218  appearance; and my hair - only my hair, nothing else - looked
219  drunk.

220       Somebody said to me, 'Let us go to the theatre, Copperfield!' There
221  was no bedroom before me, but again the jingling table covered with
222  glasses; the lamp; Grainger on my right hand, Markham on my left,
223  and Steerforth opposite - all sitting in a mist, and a long way
224  off. The theatre? To be sure. The very thing. Come along! But
225  they must excuse me if I saw everybody out first, and turned the
226  lamp off - in case of fire.

227       Owing to some confusion in the dark, the door was gone. I was
228  feeling for it in the window-curtains, when Steerforth, laughing,
229  took me by the arm and led me out. We went downstairs, one behind
230  another. Near the bottom, somebody fell, and rolled down.
231  Somebody else said it was Copperfield. I was angry at that false
232  report, until, finding myself on my back in the passage, I began to
233  think there might be some foundation for it.

234       A very foggy night, with great rings round the lamps in the
235  streets! There was an indistinct talk of its being wet. I
236  considered it frosty. Steerforth dusted me under a lamp-post, and
237  put my hat into shape, which somebody produced from somewhere in a
238  most extraordinary manner, for I hadn't had it on before.
239  Steerforth then said, 'You are all right, Copperfield, are you
240  not?' and I told him, 'Neverberrer.'

241       A man, sitting in a pigeon-hole-place, looked out of the fog, and
242  took money from somebody, inquiring if I was one of the gentlemen
243  paid for, and appearing rather doubtful (as I remember in the
244  glimpse I had of him) whether to take the money for me or not.
245  Shortly afterwards, we were very high up in a very hot theatre,
246  looking down into a large pit, that seemed to me to smoke; the
247  people with whom it was crammed were so indistinct. There was a
248  great stage, too, looking very clean and smooth after the streets;
249  and there were people upon it, talking about something or other,
250  but not at all intelligibly. There was an abundance of bright
251  lights, and there was music, and there were ladies down in the
252  boxes, and I don't know what more. The whole building looked to me
253  as if it were learning to swim; it conducted itself in such an
254  unaccountable manner, when I tried to steady it.

255       On somebody's motion, we resolved to go downstairs to the
256  dress-boxes, where the ladies were. A gentleman lounging, full
257  dressed, on a sofa, with an opera-glass in his hand, passed before
258  my view, and also my own figure at full length in a glass. Then I
259  was being ushered into one of these boxes, and found myself saying
260  something as I sat down, and people about me crying 'Silence!' to
261  somebody, and ladies casting indignant glances at me, and - what!
262  yes! - Agnes, sitting on the seat before me, in the same box, with
263  a lady and gentleman beside her, whom I didn't know. I see her
264  face now, better than I did then, I dare say, with its indelible
265  look of regret and wonder turned upon me.

266       'Agnes!' I said, thickly, 'Lorblessmer! Agnes!'

267       'Hush! Pray!' she answered, I could not conceive why. 'You
268  disturb the company. Look at the stage!'

269       I tried, on her injunction, to fix it, and to hear something of
270  what was going on there, but quite in vain. I looked at her again
271  by and by, and saw her shrink into her corner, and put her gloved
272  hand to her forehead.

273       'Agnes!' I said. 'I'mafraidyou'renorwell.'

274       'Yes, yes. Do not mind me, Trotwood,' she returned. 'Listen! Are
275  you going away soon?'

276       'Amigoarawaysoo?' I repeated.

277       'Yes.'

278       I had a stupid intention of replying that I was going to wait, to
279  hand her downstairs. I suppose I expressed it, somehow; for after
280  she had looked at me attentively for a little while, she appeared
281  to understand, and replied in a low tone:

282       'I know you will do as I ask you, if I tell you I am very earnest
283  in it. Go away now, Trotwood, for my sake, and ask your friends to
284  take you home.'

285       She had so far improved me, for the time, that though I was angry
286  with her, I felt ashamed, and with a short 'Goori!' (which I
287  intended for 'Good night!') got up and went away. They followed,
288  and I stepped at once out of the box-door into my bedroom, where
289  only Steerforth was with me, helping me to undress, and where I was
290  by turns telling him that Agnes was my sister, and adjuring him to
291  bring the corkscrew, that I might open another bottle of wine.

292       How somebody, lying in my bed, lay saying and doing all this over
293  again, at cross purposes, in a feverish dream all night - the bed
294  a rocking sea that was never still! How, as that somebody slowly
295  settled down into myself, did I begin to parch, and feel as if my
296  outer covering of skin were a hard board; my tongue the bottom of
297  an empty kettle, furred with long service, and burning up over a
298  slow fire; the palms of my hands, hot plates of metal which no ice
299  could cool!

300       But the agony of mind, the remorse, and shame I felt when I became
301  conscious next day! My horror of having committed a thousand
302  offences I had forgotten, and which nothing could ever expiate - my
303  recollection of that indelible look which Agnes had given me - the
304  torturing impossibility of communicating with her, not knowing,
305  Beast that I was, how she came to be in London, or where she stayed
306  - my disgust of the very sight of the room where the revel had been
307  held - my racking head - the smell of smoke, the sight of glasses,
308  the impossibility of going out, or even getting up! Oh, what a day
309  it was!

310       Oh, what an evening, when I sat down by my fire to a basin of
311  mutton broth, dimpled all over with fat, and thought I was going
312  the way of my predecessor, and should succeed to his dismal story
313  as well as to his chambers, and had half a mind to rush express to
314  Dover and reveal all! What an evening, when Mrs. Crupp, coming in
315  to take away the broth-basin, produced one kidney on a cheese-plate
316  as the entire remains of yesterday's feast, and I was really
317  inclined to fall upon her nankeen breast and say, in heartfelt
318  penitence, 'Oh, Mrs. Crupp, Mrs. Crupp, never mind the broken
319  meats! I am very miserable!' - only that I doubted, even at that
320  pass, if Mrs. Crupp were quite the sort of woman to confide in!

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