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Charles Dickens
Chapter 20
Charles Dickens
 
 
1       When the chambermaid tapped at my door at eight o'clock, and
2  informed me that my shaving-water was outside, I felt severely the
3  having no occasion for it, and blushed in my bed. The suspicion
4  that she laughed too, when she said it, preyed upon my mind all the
5  time I was dressing; and gave me, I was conscious, a sneaking and
6  guilty air when I passed her on the staircase, as I was going down
7  to breakfast. I was so sensitively aware, indeed, of being younger
8  than I could have wished, that for some time I could not make up my
9  mind to pass her at all, under the ignoble circumstances of the
10  case; but, hearing her there with a broom, stood peeping out of
11  window at King Charles on horseback, surrounded by a maze of
12  hackney-coaches, and looking anything but regal in a drizzling rain
13  and a dark-brown fog, until I was admonished by the waiter that the
14  gentleman was waiting for me.

15       It was not in the coffee-room that I found Steerforth expecting me,
16  but in a snug private apartment, red-curtained and Turkey-carpeted,
17  where the fire burnt bright, and a fine hot breakfast was set forth
18  on a table covered with a clean cloth; and a cheerful miniature of
19  the room, the fire, the breakfast, Steerforth, and all, was shining
20  in the little round mirror over the sideboard. I was rather
21  bashful at first, Steerforth being so self-possessed, and elegant,
22  and superior to me in all respects (age included); but his easy
23  patronage soon put that to rights, and made me quite at home. I
24  could not enough admire the change he had wrought in the Golden
25  Cross; or compare the dull forlorn state I had held yesterday, with
26  this morning's comfort and this morning's entertainment. As to the
27  waiter's familiarity, it was quenched as if it had never been. He
28  attended on us, as I may say, in sackcloth and ashes.

29       'Now, Copperfield,' said Steerforth, when we were alone, 'I should
30  like to hear what you are doing, and where you are going, and all
31  about you. I feel as if you were my property.'
32  Glowing with pleasure to find that he had still this interest in
33  me, I told him how my aunt had proposed the little expedition that
34  I had before me, and whither it tended.

35       'As you are in no hurry, then,' said Steerforth, 'come home with me
36  to Highgate, and stay a day or two. You will be pleased with my
37  mother - she is a little vain and prosy about me, but that you can
38  forgive her - and she will be pleased with you.'

39       'I should like to be as sure of that, as you are kind enough to say
40  you are,' I answered, smiling.

41       'Oh!' said Steerforth, 'everyone who likes me, has a claim on her
42  that is sure to be acknowledged.'

43       'Then I think I shall be a favourite,' said I.

44       'Good!' said Steerforth. 'Come and prove it. We will go and see
45  the lions for an hour or two - it's something to have a fresh
46  fellow like you to show them to, Copperfield - and then we'll
47  journey out to Highgate by the coach.'

48       I could hardly believe but that I was in a dream, and that I should
49  wake presently in number forty-four, to the solitary box in the
50  coffee-room and the familiar waiter again. After I had written to
51  my aunt and told her of my fortunate meeting with my admired old
52  schoolfellow, and my acceptance of his invitation, we went out in
53  a hackney-chariot, and saw a Panorama and some other sights, and
54  took a walk through the Museum, where I could not help observing
55  how much Steerforth knew, on an infinite variety of subjects, and
56  of how little account he seemed to make his knowledge.

57       'You'll take a high degree at college, Steerforth,' said I, 'if you
58  have not done so already; and they will have good reason to be
59  proud of you.'

60       'I take a degree!' cried Steerforth. 'Not I! my dear Daisy - will
61  you mind my calling you Daisy?'

62       'Not at all!' said I.

63       'That's a good fellow! My dear Daisy,' said Steerforth, laughing.
64  'I have not the least desire or intention to distinguish myself in
65  that way. I have done quite sufficient for my purpose. I find
66  that I am heavy company enough for myself as I am.'

67       'But the fame -' I was beginning.

68       'You romantic Daisy!' said Steerforth, laughing still more
69  heartily: 'why should I trouble myself, that a parcel of
70  heavy-headed fellows may gape and hold up their hands? Let them do
71  it at some other man. There's fame for him, and he's welcome to
72  it.'

73       I was abashed at having made so great a mistake, and was glad to
74  change the subject. Fortunately it was not difficult to do, for
75  Steerforth could always pass from one subject to another with a
76  carelessness and lightness that were his own.

77       Lunch succeeded to our sight-seeing, and the short winter day wore
78  away so fast, that it was dusk when the stage-coach stopped with us
79  at an old brick house at Highgate on the summit of the hill. An
80  elderly lady, though not very far advanced in years, with a proud
81  carriage and a handsome face, was in the doorway as we alighted;
82  and greeting Steerforth as 'My dearest James,' folded him in her
83  arms. To this lady he presented me as his mother, and she gave me
84  a stately welcome.

85       It was a genteel old-fashioned house, very quiet and orderly. From
86  the windows of my room I saw all London lying in the distance like
87  a great vapour, with here and there some lights twinkling through
88  it. I had only time, in dressing, to glance at the solid
89  furniture, the framed pieces of work (done, I supposed, by
90  Steerforth's mother when she was a girl), and some pictures in
91  crayons of ladies with powdered hair and bodices, coming and going
92  on the walls, as the newly-kindled fire crackled and sputtered,
93  when I was called to dinner.

94       There was a second lady in the dining-room, of a slight short
95  figure, dark, and not agreeable to look at, but with some
96  appearance of good looks too, who attracted my attention: perhaps
97  because I had not expected to see her; perhaps because I found
98  myself sitting opposite to her; perhaps because of something really
99  remarkable in her. She had black hair and eager black eyes, and
100  was thin, and had a scar upon her lip. It was an old scar - I
101  should rather call it seam, for it was not discoloured, and had
102  healed years ago - which had once cut through her mouth, downward
103  towards the chin, but was now barely visible across the table,
104  except above and on her upper lip, the shape of which it had
105  altered. I concluded in my own mind that she was about thirty
106  years of age, and that she wished to be married. She was a little
107  dilapidated - like a house - with having been so long to let; yet
108  had, as I have said, an appearance of good looks. Her thinness
109  seemed to be the effect of some wasting fire within her, which
110  found a vent in her gaunt eyes.

111       She was introduced as Miss Dartle, and both Steerforth and his
112  mother called her Rosa. I found that she lived there, and had been
113  for a long time Mrs. Steerforth's companion. It appeared to me
114  that she never said anything she wanted to say, outright; but
115  hinted it, and made a great deal more of it by this practice. For
116  example, when Mrs. Steerforth observed, more in jest than earnest,
117  that she feared her son led but a wild life at college, Miss Dartle
118  put in thus:

119       'Oh, really? You know how ignorant I am, and that I only ask for
120  information, but isn't it always so? I thought that kind of life
121  was on all hands understood to be - eh?'
122  'It is education for a very grave profession, if you mean that,
123  Rosa,' Mrs. Steerforth answered with some coldness.

124       'Oh! Yes! That's very true,' returned Miss Dartle. 'But isn't
125  it, though? - I want to be put right, if I am wrong - isn't it,
126  really?'

127       'Really what?' said Mrs. Steerforth.

128       'Oh! You mean it's not!' returned Miss Dartle. 'Well, I'm very
129  glad to hear it! Now, I know what to do! That's the advantage of
130  asking. I shall never allow people to talk before me about
131  wastefulness and profligacy, and so forth, in connexion with that
132  life, any more.'

133       'And you will be right,' said Mrs. Steerforth. 'My son's tutor is
134  a conscientious gentleman; and if I had not implicit reliance on my
135  son, I should have reliance on him.'

136       'Should you?' said Miss Dartle. 'Dear me! Conscientious, is he?
137  Really conscientious, now?'

138       'Yes, I am convinced of it,' said Mrs. Steerforth.

139       'How very nice!' exclaimed Miss Dartle. 'What a comfort! Really
140  conscientious? Then he's not - but of course he can't be, if he's
141  really conscientious. Well, I shall be quite happy in my opinion
142  of him, from this time. You can't think how it elevates him in my
143  opinion, to know for certain that he's really conscientious!'

144       Her own views of every question, and her correction of everything
145  that was said to which she was opposed, Miss Dartle insinuated in
146  the same way: sometimes, I could not conceal from myself, with
147  great power, though in contradiction even of Steerforth. An
148  instance happened before dinner was done. Mrs. Steerforth speaking
149  to me about my intention of going down into Suffolk, I said at
150  hazard how glad I should be, if Steerforth would only go there with
151  me; and explaining to him that I was going to see my old nurse, and
152  Mr. Peggotty's family, I reminded him of the boatman whom he had
153  seen at school.

154       'Oh! That bluff fellow!' said Steerforth. 'He had a son with him,
155  hadn't he?'

156       'No. That was his nephew,' I replied; 'whom he adopted, though, as
157  a son. He has a very pretty little niece too, whom he adopted as
158  a daughter. In short, his house - or rather his boat, for he lives
159  in one, on dry land - is full of people who are objects of his
160  generosity and kindness. You would be delighted to see that
161  household.'

162       'Should I?' said Steerforth. 'Well, I think I should. I must see
163  what can be done. It would be worth a journey (not to mention the
164  pleasure of a journey with you, Daisy), to see that sort of people
165  together, and to make one of 'em.'

166       My heart leaped with a new hope of pleasure. But it was in
167  reference to the tone in which he had spoken of 'that sort of
168  people', that Miss Dartle, whose sparkling eyes had been watchful
169  of us, now broke in again.

170       'Oh, but, really? Do tell me. Are they, though?' she said.

171       'Are they what? And are who what?' said Steerforth.

172       'That sort of people. - Are they really animals and clods, and
173  beings of another order? I want to know SO much.'

174       'Why, there's a pretty wide separation between them and us,' said
175  Steerforth, with indifference. 'They are not to be expected to be
176  as sensitive as we are. Their delicacy is not to be shocked, or
177  hurt easily. They are wonderfully virtuous, I dare say - some
178  people contend for that, at least; and I am sure I don't want to
179  contradict them - but they have not very fine natures, and they may
180  be thankful that, like their coarse rough skins, they are not
181  easily wounded.'

182       'Really!' said Miss Dartle. 'Well, I don't know, now, when I have
183  been better pleased than to hear that. It's so consoling! It's
184  such a delight to know that, when they suffer, they don't feel!
185  Sometimes I have been quite uneasy for that sort of people; but now
186  I shall just dismiss the idea of them, altogether. Live and learn.
187  I had my doubts, I confess, but now they're cleared up. I didn't
188  know, and now I do know, and that shows the advantage of asking -
189  don't it?'

190       I believed that Steerforth had said what he had, in jest, or to
191  draw Miss Dartle out; and I expected him to say as much when she
192  was gone, and we two were sitting before the fire. But he merely
193  asked me what I thought of her.

194       'She is very clever, is she not?' I asked.

195       'Clever! She brings everything to a grindstone,' said Steerforth,
196  and sharpens it, as she has sharpened her own face and figure these
197  years past. She has worn herself away by constant sharpening. She
198  is all edge.'

199       'What a remarkable scar that is upon her lip!' I said.

200       Steerforth's face fell, and he paused a moment.

201       'Why, the fact is,' he returned, 'I did that.'

202       'By an unfortunate accident!'

203       'No. I was a young boy, and she exasperated me, and I threw a
204  hammer at her. A promising young angel I must have been!'
205  I was deeply sorry to have touched on such a painful theme, but
206  that was useless now.

207       'She has borne the mark ever since, as you see,' said Steerforth;
208  'and she'll bear it to her grave, if she ever rests in one - though
209  I can hardly believe she will ever rest anywhere. She was the
210  motherless child of a sort of cousin of my father's. He died one
211  day. My mother, who was then a widow, brought her here to be
212  company to her. She has a couple of thousand pounds of her own,
213  and saves the interest of it every year, to add to the principal.
214  There's the history of Miss Rosa Dartle for you.'

215       'And I have no doubt she loves you like a brother?' said I.

216       'Humph!' retorted Steerforth, looking at the fire. 'Some brothers
217  are not loved over much; and some love - but help yourself,
218  Copperfield! We'll drink the daisies of the field, in compliment
219  to you; and the lilies of the valley that toil not, neither do they
220  spin, in compliment to me - the more shame for me!' A moody smile
221  that had overspread his features cleared off as he said this
222  merrily, and he was his own frank, winning self again.

223       I could not help glancing at the scar with a painful interest when
224  we went in to tea. It was not long before I observed that it was
225  the most susceptible part of her face, and that, when she turned
226  pale, that mark altered first, and became a dull, lead-coloured
227  streak, lengthening out to its full extent, like a mark in
228  invisible ink brought to the fire. There was a little altercation
229  between her and Steerforth about a cast of the dice at back gammon
230  - when I thought her, for one moment, in a storm of rage; and then
231  I saw it start forth like the old writing on the wall.

232       It was no matter of wonder to me to find Mrs. Steerforth devoted to
233  her son. She seemed to be able to speak or think about nothing
234  else. She showed me his picture as an infant, in a locket, with
235  some of his baby-hair in it; she showed me his picture as he had
236  been when I first knew him; and she wore at her breast his picture
237  as he was now. All the letters he had ever written to her, she
238  kept in a cabinet near her own chair by the fire; and she would
239  have read me some of them, and I should have been very glad to hear
240  them too, if he had not interposed, and coaxed her out of the
241  design.

242       'It was at Mr. Creakle's, my son tells me, that you first became
243  acquainted,' said Mrs. Steerforth, as she and I were talking at one
244  table, while they played backgammon at another. 'Indeed, I
245  recollect his speaking, at that time, of a pupil younger than
246  himself who had taken his fancy there; but your name, as you may
247  suppose, has not lived in my memory.'

248       'He was very generous and noble to me in those days, I assure you,
249  ma'am,' said I, 'and I stood in need of such a friend. I should
250  have been quite crushed without him.'

251       'He is always generous and noble,' said Mrs. Steerforth, proudly.

252       I subscribed to this with all my heart, God knows. She knew I did;
253  for the stateliness of her manner already abated towards me, except
254  when she spoke in praise of him, and then her air was always lofty.

255       'It was not a fit school generally for my son,' said she; 'far from
256  it; but there were particular circumstances to be considered at the
257  time, of more importance even than that selection. My son's high
258  spirit made it desirable that he should be placed with some man who
259  felt its superiority, and would be content to bow himself before
260  it; and we found such a man there.'

261       I knew that, knowing the fellow. And yet I did not despise him the
262  more for it, but thought it a redeeming quality in him if he could
263  be allowed any grace for not resisting one so irresistible as
264  Steerforth.

265       'My son's great capacity was tempted on, there, by a feeling of
266  voluntary emulation and conscious pride,' the fond lady went on to
267  say. 'He would have risen against all constraint; but he found
268  himself the monarch of the place, and he haughtily determined to be
269  worthy of his station. It was like himself.'

270       I echoed, with all my heart and soul, that it was like himself.

271       'So my son took, of his own will, and on no compulsion, to the
272  course in which he can always, when it is his pleasure, outstrip
273  every competitor,' she pursued. 'My son informs me, Mr.
274  Copperfield, that you were quite devoted to him, and that when you
275  met yesterday you made yourself known to him with tears of joy. I
276  should be an affected woman if I made any pretence of being
277  surprised by my son's inspiring such emotions; but I cannot be
278  indifferent to anyone who is so sensible of his merit, and I am
279  very glad to see you here, and can assure you that he feels an
280  unusual friendship for you, and that you may rely on his
281  protection.'

282       Miss Dartle played backgammon as eagerly as she did everything
283  else. If I had seen her, first, at the board, I should have
284  fancied that her figure had got thin, and her eyes had got large,
285  over that pursuit, and no other in the world. But I am very much
286  mistaken if she missed a word of this, or lost a look of mine as I
287  received it with the utmost pleasure, and honoured by Mrs.
288  Steerforth's confidence, felt older than I had done since I left
289  Canterbury.

290       When the evening was pretty far spent, and a tray of glasses and
291  decanters came in, Steerforth promised, over the fire, that he
292  would seriously think of going down into the country with me.
293  There was no hurry, he said; a week hence would do; and his mother
294  hospitably said the same. While we were talking, he more than once
295  called me Daisy; which brought Miss Dartle out again.

296       'But really, Mr. Copperfield,' she asked, 'is it a nickname? And
297  why does he give it you? Is it - eh? - because he thinks you young
298  and innocent? I am so stupid in these things.'

299       I coloured in replying that I believed it was.

300       'Oh!' said Miss Dartle. 'Now I am glad to know that! I ask for
301  information, and I am glad to know it. He thinks you young and
302  innocent; and so you are his friend. Well, that's quite
303  delightful!'

304       She went to bed soon after this, and Mrs. Steerforth retired too.
305  Steerforth and I, after lingering for half-an-hour over the fire,
306  talking about Traddles and all the rest of them at old Salem House,
307  went upstairs together. Steerforth's room was next to mine, and I
308  went in to look at it. It was a picture of comfort, full of
309  easy-chairs, cushions and footstools, worked by his mother's hand,
310  and with no sort of thing omitted that could help to render it
311  complete. Finally, her handsome features looked down on her
312  darling from a portrait on the wall, as if it were even something
313  to her that her likeness should watch him while he slept.

314       I found the fire burning clear enough in my room by this time, and
315  the curtains drawn before the windows and round the bed, giving it
316  a very snug appearance. I sat down in a great chair upon the
317  hearth to meditate on my happiness; and had enjoyed the
318  contemplation of it for some time, when I found a likeness of Miss
319  Dartle looking eagerly at me from above the chimney-piece.

320       It was a startling likeness, and necessarily had a startling look.
321  The painter hadn't made the scar, but I made it; and there it was,
322  coming and going; now confined to the upper lip as I had seen it at
323  dinner, and now showing the whole extent of the wound inflicted by
324  the hammer, as I had seen it when she was passionate.

325       I wondered peevishly why they couldn't put her anywhere else
326  instead of quartering her on me. To get rid of her, I undressed
327  quickly, extinguished my light, and went to bed. But, as I fell
328  asleep, I could not forget that she was still there looking, 'Is it
329  really, though? I want to know'; and when I awoke in the night, I
330  found that I was uneasily asking all sorts of people in my dreams
331  whether it really was or not - without knowing what I meant.

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